You Know You`re In Japan When….

For those of you just tuning in, last post started the series, “You Know You`re In Japan When….” Welcome to this week`s photo flipping, page turning episode entitled:

“You know you`re in Japan when you start taking pictures of your food.”

There are several surprising reasons why one would take pictures of food.

1) When faced with the option of getting the special, make sure you know what it is, otherwise something extremely special will show up. In Japan it is considered rude to laugh at the waiter when he drops a tuna skeleton on the table.

Rather than picking it up and gnawing on the bones to get that juicy “next to the bone meat,” you scrape a spoon along the sides.

 

2) Often too much information regarding ingredients comes along with the item. I`m not  sure what “Fasty Placenta” is, but in general, I`d  prefer not getting bogged down in the  active ingredients listing.

3) The portion sizes leave one feeling like chipping off a chunk of the table to finish off the meal.

4) When “Cod Sperm” and “Gizzard Shad” are listed elsewhere on the menu as available items, it`s best not to ask when a complimentary delight of unknown origin shows up.

5) While you evaluate your food`s taste, it devises an escape route.

6) It can kill you.

Puffer fish

7) Is it decoration or food? Sometimes it`s difficult to tell. Hint: if it`s on a plate, it`s edible.

I prefer my wheat cooked.

Deceptively cute. We force fed  let Offspring #1 eat it.

8) Things that should be served with Ranch Dressing, sugar or butter are served au naturel. And people buy it. And people eat it. And like it. Astonishing. And the reason the Japanese are skinny while the rest of us aren`t.

Yam anyone?

9) Pizza comes with squid and corn. (I can see your Head shaking and hand ringing) Try sneaking this past the picky toddler.

10) It`s always colorful.

11) Be careful with the snacks. They bite back.

Harm was done to all the food pictured in this post. We ate every last bite.

You Know You`re in Japan When…

As the Clampitts get ready to close the book on Japan, I`ve been thinking about all the things that seemed odd when we arrived. And so begins the series, “You know you`re in Japan when….”

Today`s Entry:

“You know you`re in Japan when your dog is better accessorized than you are.”

I used to live by a rule stating I would never date anybody who had better hair or skinnier legs than me. There is now an amendment to my personal constitution. I will also not have a dog with better hair.

Like their human counterparts, a dog`s gotta get a little running around time. But it`s not on the way to the park.

Dog Stroller Parking at the Dog Run

Japanese dogs prefer not to jog alongside their masters. They`re all pack leaders preferring to point the way. Usually from the front basket.

After Easter and before Labor Day, please adhere to fashion rules. The dog must match the shoes.

The dog back pack allows the Master two fully functioning hands.

Don`t leave the house without the shades, shoes, and running outfit-

Or your blush and false eyelashes.

Photo by gal on the go- Linda Border

A fashion editor will cover clothing in a separate post.

Until next time, peace from the park.

Sign Interpretation for your Next Trip to Asia…

Every now and again I find signs which must be shared. These are necessary in order for you and your loved ones to remain safe and healthy while visiting Japan and perhaps other places in the neighborhood. Please study diligently as this may be the only explanation you receive.

Sign Location- The Great Wall of China. WARNING. This sign is X Rated.

Luckily we didn`t run across any naked flames while hiking the Great Wall. I warned Offspring #2 that should we see any naked flames I would be forced to cover her eyes quickly and without warning lest they burn her eyes.

Truth in Advertising. The population with the highest number of octogenarians is in Okinawa. It`s not due to green tea, exercise, diet or any of the other factors recently highlighted in longevity studies. It`s the condition referred to as “Wild Health” produced by consuming Coke Zero.  Drink lots of it while you`re here.

Bottoms Up! Here`s looking at you kid.

Railroad Crossing Safety-  There have been far too many accidents involving people walking bears and cats across the railroad tracks. STOP when the railroad crossing signal starts! And please make sure your bear and cat are in a proper sit for safety.

(I`d also recommend moving the teenagers from diapers to big kid pants)

Toilet Etiquette- The information desk at the Kyoto train station has been overwhelmed with questions regarding toilet technique. In order to free the personnel up to answer inquiries related to bus schedules and geisha sitings, these were installed in all stalls.

Now you know.

This is not for drinking.

Put the lid up.

Sit up Straight.

Eyes face forward.

Feet flat on the ground.

Some of you who`ve read previous posts know that the toilets here make “Flushing Noises” to cover up embarrassing sounds. Push the button, fake flushing ensues, and  neighbors don`t get the opportunity to snicker at any echoing repercussions from the previous night`s dinner.

Ann of Green Gables demonstrates how to block out unwanted noise.

But what about the situation where you just need a cozy spot to curl up and read a good book? Fashionable ladies like the one above sometimes take the opportunity to simply sit and read on the toilet. Have you ever been in your own public bathroom reading nook only to have a critical plot twist disturbed by a thunderous fart from next door?

Problem solved. Just press the button! It`s like white noise. Flushing noise drowns out all unwanted distractions.

Next up- Cooking internationally.

My Corporate Failure and Cherry Blossoms

“Hanami” (flower viewing) season is a time when normal activity in Japan stops so everyone can hurry to their favorite sakura spot in order to lie under the cherry blossoms drinking sake, debating life`s mysteries with friends, or navel gazing in my case reminiscing on my great career failure.

I had great hopes. For twenty years I struggled. I watched others step on my hands as they climbed up the rungs. Ever elusive was my success. My goal just within my reach. I planted and plotted.

Many did what I failed to do.

I was never able to start a corporate buzz word.

I`ve always been an overachiever.

How this could have been? I had such catchy candidates. The cherry blossoms got me thinking again about my corporate failure. Stretched out on the blue tarp swirling the sake in the plastic cup. Thinking. So useful, my buzz words. I could apply them to every circumstance.

Like my HOMAGE to Sakura Season in this Photo MONTAGE. (Montage just makes me laugh when I hear the word so I thought it might lighten the work atmosphere. For me anyway)

The CACOPHANY  of sounds around Naka Meguro during Sakura season was driven by Cherry Blossom flavored Sake. (Discordant sounds at the same time. Think middle school orchestra or the area of the office populated by several cubicles)

A side effect of Sakura flavored Sake is the effect it has on one`s IDIOLECT. (a person`s individual speech pattern. Imagine the fun at the office with this one.) Mine becomes more exaggerated and inappropriate for children after a few rounds of sake.

A few shocking examples that made it.

Vis a vis. I still can`t figure out what that means so I can`t use it. Spouse has tried to explain it to me several times. He`s much smarter than I.

The GESTALT of the cherry blossoms can be magnificent depending on location. (The all time winner of Buzz words- used often and incorrectly)

My MENTOR liked to boat around the moat of the Imperial Palace best during Sakura Season. (My least favorite-I hate being to told what to do)

Who wants to guess what this building is? Hint- Cheap Trick- Live at _______

Now I will leave you with one of my favorite- enduring- MOTIFs- Fuji-san.

My hair has finally reached the right height. I got a hair TSA pat down recently.

The Warabi Naked Man Festival

I see you were as intrigued as I to see  gain further cultural enlightenment. The unofficial title drew a bus load of screaming, rabid “50 is the new 20″ year olds. Not since the opening of the first male strip clubs in the 80`s have I seen a group of women claw their way on to a bus loaded with kid snacks driven by a Japanese man named Gary.

The official title- The Warabi Hadaka Matsuri doesn`t quite draw the same crowd.We found ourselves the lone Westerners. (Except for Tokyobling who hid among the crowd with his widow maker. See his great pics here) For the Warabi Hadaka Matsuri, local folks gathered to have the babies born the previous year blessed with rice stalks and mud ensuring their prosperity and that of the community. Mixing a temperature of 20 degrees, an icy pond, babies in various states of mind, and sake forms a combustible environment ripe for entertaining blog pictures.

Unlike my usual posts where I amuse (myself) with puns and feeble attempts at humor, this story is best told with pictures.

Once upon a time, in a land known as Chiba prefecture, a rowdy crowd of Japanese people would gather on the coldest day of the year to dunk their bravest and mostly nude men in  to a muddy pond while juggling a baby snug against their chests. Their quest was to bless the baby with mud from the enchanted lake- uhh- rice paddy pond using a rice stalk.

First, the floating ice was scraped and piled on the side of the enchanted lake -errrr- rice paddy pond.

Somewhere in the depths of the temple, Dads, Uncles, Grandpas and family patriarchs stripped down and were handed their charges.

A festive procession of screaming children and cold men made its way to the Shrine.

The men cursed the evil enchanted lake rice paddy goddess for not demanding this ritual take place during the summer further fueling the goddess` father issues.

All the older brothers and sisters were so excited. One followed the procession beating each Dad on the butt. She finished with a peck to her Dad`s cheek.

Her mother was not as amused.

Next came the blessings. It was “boo`d” by all the babies. Loudly.

After a long procession down a long icy hill, the most brave waded in to the enchanted lake/rice paddy pond.

The babies were then dropped off at the shrine so the men could fight sea monsters or each other. Fending off enchanted lake – I mean rice paddy pond- sea monsters and neighbors requires sake.

Several rounds.

Mix men, mud, and sake and soon you get chicken fights and mud wrestling. The goddess threw up her hands in exasperation.

But then they remembered their second purpose- the crowd should also receive a blessing.

No one was spared.

Photo by Sheryl LaScala

All were blessed. All ate good food. The brave men and babies had a nice nap.

Photo by Sheryl LaScala

The End.

Is It Right to Hate China? The Clampitt`s Investigate

Among ExPats, Japan is referred to as “Asia Lite.”  While shopping one gets confused as to location- there`s more English signage than Japanese and random animals of various size and denomination don`t cross the road along with the pedestrians. Cars drive in the same direction, even stopping at red lights. It could be any American city. (Except Seattle where leash laws are in place for chickens or Boaz, Al where they`re not)

Since Tokyo is so American, other Asian countries, from China to Malaysia, Indonesia and Thailand, have Sodom and Gomorrah type reputations, inferior in every way, home to the rudest and most crass people. Entirely made of dirt. Mighty vats brewing pestilence ready to lay siege on the arriving traveler.

Since China is the current economic power house capable of copying everything but democracy, it is the heralded poster child of all things bad. Mix in bad feelings from thousands of years of fighting with the neighbors and no one has anything nice to say about China.

With this as our expectation, OS#2 and I left for China prepared to be killed on one of the sub standard Chinese manufactured trains or planes, choked by pollution, assaulted by rude, anti-American Chinese people, or poisoned with bad food.

We hadn`t flown out of Japanese air space before Air China let her safety colors fly. The safety video was still reviewing rules and regulations when we landed in Beijing four hours later. It was the in flight entertainment. OS #2 and I watched fascinated as a woman demonstrated the appropriate technique for removing high-heeled shoes and ear rings in case of a water landing. While I envisioned beating the person between me and the door with my 5 inch Jimmy Choos to speed the exit process, Air China imagined a scenario of deflated flotation devices. OS#2 was asked to place both feet on the floor and raise her window shade for take off. I expected an announcement:

“15A- have they finished loading the bags? We`re ready to push back. Please advise a crew member.”

The pilot spoke English, the video covered every possible scenario for exiting the plane including via toilet, we didn`t smell smoke- the two of us gave Air China a safety rating of “Good Enough.”

But the people. Oh the people. Wherever we went, people pulled in the welcome mat and slammed doors shut. Just look at the pictures below. Going out of their way to be rude, they followed us through the sites grinning ear to ear, asked the guide our names and where we were from, wanted us to pose for pictures, practice their English, or thank us for visiting.

Often people would just run up beside us and someone else would snap a photo. Then they would all run off.

A few times we took their picture after they took ours.

Hmph. Just like a bunch of New Yorkers if you ask me.

While on the subject of people, let me clear this up right now. The military police are truly nothing to worry about. Several friendly guards paraded around Tiananmen Square -like the furry hatted men at Buckingham Palace.

Here I am about to goose one for fun.

It was so much fun I decided to do it again. The next soldier was much more friendly. He was so tickled he asked for my number. My passport number. He also wanted to see it. And just to make sure he could find me again in this city of 22 million, he requested my American Driver`s license. So thorough, he wanted to see my Chinese Visa to see how long I`d be in town. He made sure to get all my particulars. The picture just doesn`t show off his sweet side.

Chairman Mao on the entrance to the Forbidden City. The real Chairman Mao was actually on the opposite side of Tiananmen Square in a glass coffin. If I`d had my glasses cam I may have been able to sneak a pic but at that point I had been assigned a military escort. The North Koreans have learned what a tremendous tourist draw General Mao has been and are now working on a similar site for Kim Jong Ill. I wonder when they`ll realize that tourists are a key component to success in the equation.

Wait- I`m off topic and headed toward politics. Back to it.

Food.

Since OS#2 and I were certain to face certain death or imprisonment in this communist haven, we rolled the die and ate their notoriously poisonous food. Supposedly only a trip to Mexico is a better guarantee of death by diarrhea. It was here that we lost our guide.

Noodles in spicy black bean sauce, spring rolls, chicken with 100 peppers, and pickled radish.

Fatal or not, it was certainly delicious on the way down. Since OS#2 and I survived until dinner, we kept the breakfast bars stashed and took another gamble. The genuine Peking Duck. In Peking. Which I didn`t know was Beijing until this trip. Apparently I am as ignorant as others claim.

Not just for cooking pizza.

I would have loved a better picture but at this point everyone in the restaurant was taking a picture of me ogling the ducks. Having never been the center of attention I was unwilling to give up the spotlight, OS#2 saw it differently, pulled a giant hook out of her purse and yanked me out of the restaurant. As I was mid pose, I had to snap on my way out.

The Chinese do work all the time diligently holding fast to a Communist culture robbing them of all fun. Therefore, a toboggan ride was installed at the Great Wall to encourage Chinese tourists to get to the bottom and back to work as soon as possible. I couldn`t take pictures on the way down because OS#2 was not convinced she actually wanted to go down via toboggan. I offered to go first in case crashing in to me was the only way to slow her descent- I needed to hang on.  Next vacation I`m adding the helmet cam to the packing list for situations just like this….

Contrary to what the Chinese claim, the Mongolians were not kept out by the Great Wall. As you can see, even their savage reputation has been exaggerated over the years.

Pollution? I could see everything within 50 feet of me just fine.

View of the Forbidden City from top of hill

All kidding aside. Expecting other cultures to behave like your own always creates a disappointing vacation. The saying “When in Rome, do as the Romans,” best describes the attitude travelers need to adopt outside one`s own culture. Being open, non judgemental, and keeping a sense of humor will also prevent the natives from viewing you as your country`s negative stereotype.

Usually.

We loved China.

A Forced March to the Terracotta Warriors- Xi` An China

I`m the only one who wanted to go. Two of the Clampitts flat refused. One actually had a good excuse being that he is living in Canada at the moment. The other got a lecture on culture, missed opportunities, and a stern warning not to blame me for not seeing the Terracotta Warriors in therapy later. The last Clampitt accused me of over packing the agenda, “Like you always do.”  The travel agent was skeptical- but he didn`t understand that a fast walker with a short attention span cuts an agenda in half.

Offspring #2 and I marched toward China. In her case, it was a forced march. As much as she enjoys her time at the pottery wheel, I couldn`t get her to rally any interest around these fellows. We connected and flew an additional two hours to Xi` An. Home of the Terracotta Warriors.

Raise your hand if you`d never heard of Xi`An (pronounced Shee Ann) before you saw this. This city we`d never heard of is as big as New York City. Population 8 million. It`s all under construction. (Beijing is 20 million, Hong Kong 7 million)

A drive by. I would like to be the owner of the crane company selling to China. This was taken about an hour outside the main city.

An hour from Xi` An is the excavation site of the Warriors. In the 1970`s some farmers were digging a well and happened to dig in to the very corner of 8,000 buried life-sized Terracotta Warriors.

Surprise!

Fearing they`d unearthed a Zombie apocalypse, they commenced to hashing and slashing. They soon realized these zombies were not the fighting sort and took a closer look.  Unfortunately for them, they had dug up something significant on their now former farm.

A mere 2,200 years ago, Emperor-Qin Shi Huang, the first Emperor of China and the first to unify it commissioned the creation of the warriors. They took 37 years to complete.

The museum was built over the excavation site. 1,000 of the soldiers were uncovered however, the rest remain buried. Each soldier is unique and painted to be lifelike, however, upon exposure to air the paint disintegrates. At this point the technology doesn`t exist to prevent the degradation of the paint so the remaining 7,000 will stay buried until they can be excavated safely. Since they are different, I guess you can`t say if you`ve seen one you`ve seen them all.

A picture from the Travel Book shows how they looked painted.

The Warriors are lined up in battle formation. Or so I was told. Infantry in the front. Further down the line, soldiers wear armor. That`s all I can recall of that conversation. Something else about horses being in a certain spot, and guardsman in another, and maybe certain people face different directions? Each also had weapons however, most were stolen during the last two millennia. Anyway, I`d prefer not to give away any Chinese military secrets as their military police are the scariest most bad ass dudes I`ve ever seen anywhere and I`m still afraid. Here. My lips are sealed.

I guess a flat top never really goes out of style.

Generals are stationed at the corners. (Our little secret)

Interesting mane arrangements.

The reins are long gone.

This is how they originally looked.

Two sets of bronze chariots and horses were unearthed.

Following are pictures from the “Valiant Imperial Warrior 2200 Years Ago” Guide which highlights the level of detail on each warrior.

Hair Tips. I did this over the weekend and it came out really nice.

Surprisingly well manicured.

Armor.

I sprung for the autographed copy. Naturally the farmer just happened to be on a “break” when I was in the gift shop. Probably a bunch of ladies in the back signing these.

After all these years, still happy to pose with tourists.

Ok- this is a fake. Hate to admit it. Three fakes and a back drop. It cost me 30 cents. How could I not do it? OS#2 said it was easy not to.